Men Have Called Her Crazy: A Memoir - Anna Marie Tendler

A powerful memoir that reckons with mental health as well as the insidious ways men impact the lives of women.

In early 2021, popular artist Anna Marie Tendler checked herself into a psychiatric hospital following a year of crippling anxiety, depression and self-harm. Over two weeks, she underwent myriad psychological tests, participated in numerous therapy sessions, connected with fellow patients and experienced profound breakthroughs, such as when a doctor noted, “There is a you inside that feels invisible to those looking at you from the outside.”

In Men Have Called Her Crazy, Tendler recounts her hospital experience as well as pivotal moments in her life that preceded and followed. As the title suggests, many of these moments are impacted by men: unrequited love in high school; the twenty-eight-year-old she lost her virginity to when she was sixteen; the frustrations and absurdities of dating in her mid-thirties; and her decision to freeze her eggs as all her friends were starting families.

This stunning literary self-portrait examines the unreasonable expectations and pressures women face in the 21st century. Yet overwhelming and despairing as that can feel, Tendler ultimately offers a message hope. Early in her stay in the hospital, she says, “My wish for myself is that one day I’ll reach a place where I can face hardship without trying to destroy myself.” By the end of the book, she fulfills that wish. (link)

Review: 3/5

Men have called her crazy… and I’m also calling her crazy.

I watched John Mulaney since I was impressionable and in middle school, so I remember the society collapsing divorce and rehab he went through. When injecting my hourly dose of the Daily Mail, I was hoping to eventually hear Anna Marie’s viewpoint since there is so much controversy about their separation! To my remembrance, Anna and John were on the same page about not having their own children, they had a lovely pug (Petunia) that was their child, John checks into rehab for hard drugs and alcoholism, Anna emotionally supports him through rehab, for him to come out and request divorce, Then the timeline gets fuzzy; John and Anna divorce, John and Olivia Munn get pregnant, they have a baby, and they get married. Soon after, Olivia has breast cancer, and Olivia and John have another child (through surrogacy). Guess what… none of that is in the book. I think I'm better for it not being a plot point! I think everyone expects Anna Marie to have this “tell-all” version of what happened, but it seems she wanted to explain the other pieces of her story that make her who she is, which I commend.

One thing I really liked about this book was the structure of each chapter detailing a moment at the mental hospital (forgive me if that’s not the correct term), and the next chapter is one of Tendler’s experiences with a man that has wronged her. I think it’s such a creative way to illustrate the impact of her history, while bouncing to focus on her growth.

Although I enjoyed the way this book was written, I feel the author is very hard-headed in her “rightness” and refuses/shuts-down advice or comments made to her by people who clearly care about her. I believe she is so jaded that she has isolated herself, and has in turn abandoned any form of humility that comes with being in a growth-mindset. There are literally psychiatric nurses, doctors, and specialists she feels are “wrong” about her.

This can be really frustrating to me, because I think if you’re willing to submit yourself to a rehabilitation center for your suicidal ideation and eating disorder, why would you go there, spend thousands of dollars on it, for you to come out thinking you were misunderstood and not subject to change. It seemed like she was in a fixed mindset and did what would be most societally encouraged (rehab) but she wasn’t truly ready for change or recovery.

The other thing I didn’t like was how hard her direct misandry was to relate to. The entire book, I was looking for reasons to validate her feelings for men. Women who feel strongly as this on ANY TOPIC are often labeled crazy, obsessive, or invalid. I wanted to validate her feelings as a feminist, and as a true feminist, I just couldn’t. I had a really hard time reading due to my contrasting feelings; I think I (and most women I am friends with) have similar experiences as Tendler does in the dating or society scene when it comes to men. I, and most of my friends, are not “man-haters” who refuse service, conversation, or interaction with men based solely on their sex. This is clearly unrelatable thinking for Tendler.

It was hard to feel empathetic for her as she seems to need more reflection than “here’s when I was a victim of an average man, and here’s why I put up with it BUT I am telling people I don’t.” Her immediate hatred for any man coinciding with her habit of picking men who fuck her over heavily frustrated me. This book is 304 pages long, with different iterations of “woe is me”. How you can write an entire novel and NOT take any responsibility for some actions baffles me. Yes, you can be a victim AND the wrong-doer. Shocking!

Once you get to the end, you realize how unreliable of a narrator Tendler is (at least, that’s when I did). At the end, Tendler describes the psych notes for her from every professional she interacted with in her time at the rehab center. She’s narrating them and actively denying them… It’s extremely hard to read and try to validate, and I hope there is growth from it for her. This was really eye opening into how people who are inf fixed-mindsets think and defend themselves.

I decided to make a playlist of some of my favorite women artists. Some songs are about being a victim to men, some aren’t; AND at least they’re all good songs!

Spotify: LINK