Bride - Ali Hazelwood

Misery Lark, the only daughter of the most powerful Vampyre councilman of the Southwest, is an outcast—again. Her days of living in anonymity among the Humans are over: she has been called upon to uphold a historic peacekeeping alliance between the Vampyres and their mortal enemies, the Weres, and she sees little choice but to surrender herself in the exchange—again...

Weres are ruthless and unpredictable, and their Alpha, Lowe Moreland, is no exception. He rules his pack with absolute authority, but not without justice. And, unlike the Vampyre Council, not without feeling. It’s clear from the way he tracks Misery’s every movement that he doesn’t trust her. If only he knew how right he was….

Because Misery has her own reasons to agree to this marriage of convenience, reasons that have nothing to do with politics or alliances, and everything to do with the only thing she's ever cared about. And she is willing to do whatever it takes to get back what’s hers, even if it means a life alone in Were territory…alone with the wolf. (link)

Review: 2/5

Let me start off strong by saying I didn’t like this book; and maybe that’s solely based on not previously knowing what “knotting” was. Ignorance was bliss.

I highlighted the word “exsanguinate” because I felt like a lot of this book was mostly Hazelwood trying to prove she knew big words. I felt like an episode of sesame street with Elmo cheering on the narcissistic use of large words. Did it make me feel dumb? Yes! Do I also feel like it was showy and high-horsey? Yes! Two things can be true at once. What does exsanguinate even mean?

Bibliophile.com insists that Bride is a “funny and swoony paranormal romance” and I can’t help but disagree. I may not be into dark romance, but I can appreciate it when it’s done REALLY well. I’m a sucker for the marriage of convenience tropes as well, so this book had a better shot than you might think. In short, this didn’t fit the bill. I felt no swooning, as I didn’t feel a connection to the characters, nor did I feel this book had a semblance of romance.

Speaking of no connection to characters; if I read another “quirky, yet battle ready, yet clumsy” female lead, I’m DNF-ing. ESPECIALLY if her name is something along the lines of “Misery Lark”. Every time I read these characters that have perfect quips and fighting stances, I am overwhelmed with mental images of a cardboard cutout of “Jessica Day” from New Girl. The necessity of a relatable character in modern writing is an oxymoron to me; I’m not necessarily reading romance after romance to read about the same character with different names. Why is it also typical that these “battle ready” 18 year olds have straight, long, platinum white hair (Aelin Galathynius and Misery Lark)? That or dark, curly, long locks (Evie Sage and Iris Winnow). and don’t even THINK about a female lead in a fantasy being over 115 pounds! I’m getting off track here, but I genuinely think I could write a romantasy how-to course.

The phrases “vamps” and “weres” just felt cheap and lazy to me; either they’re vampires and werewolves, or come up with new names for these paranormal creatures! There’s no need to “nickname” them for your worldbuilding, when it only cheapens your efforts.

The plot of this book was all over the place: Misery’s best friend is kidnapped, and she believes it has something to do with Lowe (her Were-betrothed), so she gets married to him, moves in, and finds out he has a half human-half were sister (NoOnE cAn kNoW!!!! ThIs HaS nEvEr bEeN DoNe BeFoRe!!!). Misery is then kidnapped by her own father, and this is when you find out her best friend had been kidnapped by her father the whole time. Apparently, his motivation is racism towards inter-species breeding and he wants to “right” the wrong that is Lowe’s little sister. Now that Misery and Lowe are in love, Lowe saves her (duh) and promises to reverse the discord Misery’s father has sown into society regarding hatred between species. Pretty typical racism allegory. And, of course, Serena (Misery’s best friend) ends up meeting Koen (Lowe’s best friend) towards the end and they instantly hit it off. CORNY

No tea towards furries, but I felt like one during reading. Not ideal. So yeah, this book wasn’t for me, but at least it’s over with. I may never read an Ali Hazelwood book again, and if you’re a reader of my reviews; you know how devastating that is.

This playlist is moody but in a corny way; think MGK. Enjoy!

Spotify: LINK